Cops And Boobs, And Drunks


It’s been a long weekend. College graduations are all the rage this time of year. Families were running all over the building all night. I picked up dozens of beer bottles from the dining room, lobby, hallways, and the elevator. Like usual, everyone waited until after midnight to start requesting extra towels, and blankets. We had a guest who booked five rooms through a third party. Every time someone from one of those rooms calls me to request something, they don’t ask, they make a demand, and everything sounds like an accusation.

“You didn’t give us enough towels. We got four people in this room. You need to bring us towels, right now.”

“You got it. Four extra towels are on the way to your room.”

“You know what? I don’t see any robes in the room. Why I didn’t get any robes in my room?”

“Why didn’t you get a robe. I think that’s what you meant to ask.”

“I know what I asked.”

“Cool. We don’t have robes.”

“You can’t get me one from a closet, or something?”

“No, because we don’t have robes. You have to supply your own robe.”

“Damn! We gotta pay two-hundred-fifty dollars for our room, and you can’t give us a damn robe?”

“Yes.”

“I have to be honest. I’m disappointed with my experience at this establishment.”

“I’ll make sure William Shatner gets your complaint.”

“Who’s he?”

“Captain Kirk… He’s a spokesperson for the company you bought your rooms from.”

“I don’t know who that is!”

“Well, I suggest you go to Netflix and watch Star Trek. I will be right up with your towels.”

Every hotel has been fully booked, which makes it fun to talk to people who walk in at 1 am, looking for a last minute room.

“You don’t have any rooms, at all?” The irritated man asked.

“We have 71 rooms; all of them are occupied,” I said.

“What do we do now? My wife and I have four children, who have been cooped up in that van for six hours.”

“I would be happy to call other hotels in the area….”

“Okay.”

“… but, every hotel in the area is sold out.”

“You just said you would be happy to call other hotels.”

“I would be happy to do that. Unfortunately, everyone else is also booked. You would have heard me say that, had you not interrupted me.”

“What the hell do we do now? Do you expect us to just drive all night?”

“Life is full of endless possibilities, and stuff like that. All I know for sure is, you don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here.”

He walked away angry.

“Thank you for stopping by. Please come back again, next time.” I said.

I finally had some peace and quiet. I was sitting at the desk, and an already intoxicated woman approached me. She had a full bottle of wine in her hand.

“Can you give me a screw?” She asked.

“Can I what?” I asked

“I need you to help me open my bottle.”

“Oh, you need a corkscrew.”

“Isn’t that what I asked for?”

“Sure, no problem.”

I opened her bottle for her, and she grabbed a paper coffee cup from the dining room and returned to the desk.

“Do you have kids?”

“Nope.”

“You lucky son-of-a-bitch… Kids, suck the life right out of ya.” She looked down at her chest. “They nearly sucked the life out of these, too.”

“Yikes.”

“I’ve been through thick and thin with these puppies.”

“I bet.”

“I could have gotten a pretty good boob job for what it costs to send a kid to college.”

She drank her cup of wine the same way a person would drink a cup of Gatorade after running a marathon, then she poured herself another cup. The doors opened. A woman wearing a black dress stumbled inside and made her way to the elevator. As soon as I heard the elevator going up. A police officer entered the building.

“Did you see a drunk woman walk in here?” He asked.

The woman at my desk leaned over the counter and wrapped her arms around the wine bottle.

“She’s wearing a black dress.” He said.

“I saw a woman wearing a black dress getting on the elevator.”

“Can you point me in the direction of her room, please?”

“Nope.”

“Why not?”

“Because I have no clue who she is, or what room she is in.”

He looked at me like I was bullshitting him.

“You don’t know who the people are in the hotel? Isn’t it your job to know who’s in the building?”

“I do know who is in the building. I can look at the in-house-guest list, and see everyone who has checked in. Unfortunately, I am never working during the hours when most of our guests check in. Therefore, I have no clue who they are, just by looking at them as they walk past me.”

“Can’t you search for me?”

“I can’t actually ask the computer to tell me who the drunk lady in the black dress is, and which room she is in. I don’t have an option to look people up by the level of intoxication, and their attire.”

The woman at my desk started laughing through her lips like she was trying to hold it in, but it escaped. The officer gave her a curious look, and she slumped over the counter a bit more.

“I received a call about a woman wearing a black dress, and she was very intoxicated.”

“I saw the woman you’re asking about, but I can’t help locate her. If you want to walk around, you can, but I won’t be able to locate that person without her approaching me.”

“As long as she made it here safely, and there were no issues, I’ll just let it slide.”

He walked away, and the woman standing at my desk chugged her wine again and poured another cup.

“That was close.”

“It’s cool, he’s letting it slide.”

“I want a cigarette. Give me one, please.”

“I don’t smoke cigarettes.”

“Shit… me either, but I used to smoke whenever I would drink.”

Her phone started buzzing. She read her text, put the phone down, chugged another cup of wine, and walked away. After that, everything became quiet. I didn’t see anyone else for the remainder of the night.

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