I received a call from one of our high-level members.“I keep hearing a lot of noise. What is it?” He asked. The building has been peaceful all night. I often walk through the halls, and during my recent walk, I never saw, or heard anything that should disturb his sleep.
“I haven’t noticed anything out of the ordinary. Can you describe the noise?” I already had his reservation on my screen. We had him on the top floor, away from the highway, and the elevator and ice machine. He shouldn’t have been having issues with noise.
“It sounds like a train. I thought I was supposed to be away from the highway.”
“Yes, you are located on the side of the building that is away from the highway. I’m confident there aren’t any trains near the building…” Also, there are no trains on the highway… “We have had some strong winds tonight. The sound you’re hearing is most likely, just the wind.” I heard him grunting. I also heard a loud fart. Perhaps it was his own ass, making the loud train sound…
“Aw, shit! I have to call you back.” He hung up. Naturally, I assumed he pooped his pants. I hope nobody invents the Smell Phone. I would probably have to stop answering my phone on Taco Tuesday’s.
He called back five minutes later. “Hey, I’m the guy who called you a few minutes ago.” Mr. Poopy Pants…
“How can I help you?”
“I’m having issues, here. Now… I need you to do something about the noise.”
“I can offer you some earplugs.”
“Okay, but if that doesn’t work, I’m going to need you to switch my room.”
“Alright. I’ll bring you those earplugs. I don’t think moving you to another room will be necessary.”
“We’ll see about that.”
I brought him the earplugs. When he answered the door, he was not wearing any clothing!
“Holy shit! What the hell is wrong with you? Put some f***ing pants on before answering your door!” I said. I wasn’t quiet about it. I also threw the earplugs into the room, and walked away.
“Don’t you talk to me that way, pal!” He said, shouting in the hall as I was walking away from him.
The phone was ringing before I reached my desk. Of course, it was him again. I picked up the phone, and he started screaming at me before I had a chance to speak. “Now, you listen to me, you little shit! Nobody treats me like that. Do you know who I am?”
“Yes. You are the asshole who answered his door without any clothes on.”
“I’m going to make sure you lose your job over this.”
“I’m going to make sure you never stay at this hotel again. You can go ahead, and complain. You answered your door without any clothes on. What the hell is wrong with you?”
“I’m a goddamned priority member. I can do whatever the hell I want. And I’ll tell you another thing…” I cut him off.
“You can go ahead and make any complaint that you want. I am writing a note in my logbook, explaining every detail of what happened. It will include your fat, hairy, gut, and your little ding-dong. Not to mention you walked into the hallway, exposing yourself to anyone who could have walked by. Luckily, nobody else had to see that. I assure you, if that happened, I would be on the phone with the cops, asking them to walk you off the property.” That fat, asshole hung up on me.
The phone rang again at 3:00. It was the same guy, and I almost chose not to answer it, but I did, because that’s my job. “How can I help you now?”
“Okay, listen. I had a bit to drink earlier. I’m sorry I acted that way.”
“Thanks.” I hung up. He called back.
“Okay, okay… I get it. I pissed you off. I did the right thing, and I apologized. Now will you please be civil with me?”
“I may never be able to eat another Vienna sausage again, thanks to you.”
“Let’s just move past this. Now I need you to do something about the noise, next to my window.”
“I can’t do anything about that. It’s the wind. You can use those earplugs. I cannot do anything about the wind.”
“I want you to move my room.”
“I actually don’t have any more rooms that are away from the highway. We already have you in a suite that is located on the other side. Moving your room will not stop you from hearing the wind.”
“You know what? I’ll just have to suffer through this shit, I guess.”
“Yup. Mother Nature is cruel sometimes. Have a good night!” I hung up again.
He never called back.