Congratulations! You’re A Loser.


The woman who walked into the hotel was glowing with joy. There was a grin on her face that could embarrass the Cheshire cat. “I just won the lottery!” She said. “Now I want your best suite, with a Jacuzzi, and champagne, and room service.” She slapped a scratch-off lottery ticket on the counter. I could smell the alcohol permeating through lobby from her pores.

There was something odd about the situation. “Congratulations, I bet you are thrilled. How much did you win?” I asked. The ticket looked questionable.

I won a million dollars!” She started jumping, joyfully while clapping her hands. To my knowledge, although it isn’t impossible to win that much money with a scratch off ticket, most people usually win a few hundred dollars if they win anything over $20.00.

I bet you didn’t expect that! I want to start by mentioning that we don’t have hot tubs, and we don’t have room service or champagne. I see you haven’t actually cashed in your lottery ticket. I will need you to pay for the room with a credit card.”

Oh, I know that.” She started laughing. “I’m gonna put it on my card, and then pay myself back after I get my winnings. I’m treating myself.”

I bet she never checked to see what the back of the ticket says. “Do you mind if I read the back of your ticket?” I asked. She pushed the ticket closer to me. The first thing I read was the words tooth-fairy, and all of my suspicions were confirmed. “Ma’am, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but your lottery ticket is fake.”

The woman’s eyes just about popped out of her head. “No-no-no-no-no-no-no…” She looked at the back of the ticket and stared at it. “Oh! No! No, no, no, no! I paid that man ten dollars for this, and he told me it was guaranteed to be a winner…. Hold up! You’re telling me that man sold me a fake lottery ticket? OH HELL NO!”

She was on her phone using speed dial faster than I could blink. “Girl, are you still at the bar?… Do you see that man in the red jacket? Is he still there? I’m gonna cut his balls off! That man sold me a fake lottery ticket!… Girl, it says I have to get my money from Santa Claus… Where am I? I’m at the hotel trying to get me a suite, and the hotel man figured out the ticket isn’t real… You wait right there for me, and order me a drink. Don’t let that man out of your sight!” She put her phone away. “Can you please call me a cab?” She asked.

I called a taxi for her, and she was out the door in less than ten minutes. fake-lottery-ticket-002

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