The guest in room 204 called the desk just after checking-in at 1am. Her television wouldn’t turn on. “I Pressed the button, but nothing happens.” She said.
“Is the television plugged-in?” I always ask that question first. I never understand why people often get mad at me for asking that question.
“Do you think I’m an idiot?” She asked. Her tone implied that I am some kind of asshole. I can be, but, not at that moment.
“Absolutely not. I only ask, because that is the most common reason for the television not to work.” I heard her huffing into the mouthpiece.
“How about you just send someone up to fix it for me.”
I went to her room, and checked her television. When I looked at the outlet, it was empty. So I picked up the plug that was clearly on the floor, and plugged it back in. The television turned on, but the cable box wasn’t responding. When I searched the area around the television, I discovered the cable box receiver was on the floor, behind the television stand. I put it back, next to the television. “I would prefer if you just got rid of that thing.” She said.
“Ma’am, this is the receiver for the cable box. You won’t be able to change the channel if it’s removed.”
“I’m pretty sure it’s a camera, and I don’t want you watching me.” Eew, gross.
“We don’t have any cameras in the rooms. That is a receiver for the cable box.”
“Say what you have to, but I don’t want to trust it. Just make my television work for me, and be on your way. If I could fix it myself, I would have.” Do you remember that time you told me your television wouldn’t turn on, and I asked you if it was plugged in? That was the do-it-yourself, fix.
“It is working just fine, but you will need to keep this receiver right there so the remote will work. The cable box is connected to the back of the television, and cannot receive the signal from the remote if you remove the receiver cable.”
“Well… If that’s how it has to be, then I want to switch rooms.”
“I can always give you a new room. I will even give you a suite at no extra charge, and I can throw in a fresh plate of chocolate chip cookies.”
“Good. Do that.” I’m totally going to put old cookies on a paper plate and microwave them for too long.
“I feel that it is important for me to inform you that all our rooms have the same receivers for the cable boxes. I am happy to upgrade you, if you want.”
“So I have to feel like I’m being watched, no matter what room I’m in.” She said.
“Here is a suggestion. You can choose the channel you want to watch, then you can put a towel over the receiver. That way you can feel comfortable knowing that the cable receiver, that is not a camera, isn’t watching you.”
“Thank you for turning on my television. I no longer need your assistance.”
“Okay. If you need anything else, feel free to call me at the desk. Do you still want those coolies?”
“No thank you. I’m not hungry anymore.” I smiled, and left her alone.
At 3:30, I saw the plow truck moving through the parking lot. The driver stepped inside to argue with me. Unfortunately, I had no clue what his problem was, and he wasn’t considering that I am not the person who deals with his boss, during the day. “Do you have a problem with how I plow?” He said.
“Do you put the plow on the ground, and then push it with your truck?”
“Then, nope. It sounds to me like you are doing it right.”
“Are you being funny with me?”
“Does the Pope poop in the woods?” I love saying that! The man just stared at me. Perhaps he didn’t hear me. I repeated myself, but louder, and slower. “Does… The… Pope… Poop… In… The…”
“Shut up. I can tell when someone is being an asshole.”
“Good. So can I… Asshole. Now are you going to tell me what the issue is, or shall we just have a pissing contest? Don’t cross the streams! That was a Ghostbusters joke.”
“What the hell is wrong with you?”
“Where to start? A few years ago, I ate some mushrooms. I saw a guy riding his bicycle down the street, with his phone up to his ear. I was convinced he was talking to aliens. I turned on my television, to block out the aliens, and all I heard when people spoke was… Wawawawawawawawa… I’m pretty sure it was the aliens, trying to confuse me. Other than that, I remember chewing on the bottom of a soda bottle, until it was completely flattened. I had to do it. I don’t know why, but I had to. I just had to.”
“What the hell…”
“Because of the aliens…”
“Can’t you just talk like a reasonable person?”
“Can’t you explain what your issue is before walking in here to pick a fight with me?
“You know what the issue is.”
“Do I? Nobody here left me any information about you. Do you think I am omnipotent?
“All knowing… All powerful… Like God…”
“You know what? I regret stepping inside.”
“Before you go, I have some aluminum foil, we can make matching hats!”
“Goodbye!” He was out the door before I could offer him some peppermint flavored coffee. I like that guy. He was fun.
Can you believe they leave me in charge of this place at night, all by myself?