Everyone Can Kiss My Ass


4:40am rolled around, and I went to the kitchen to prepare the breakfast. It’s Wednesday which means I cover the breakfast shift. I had all of the cold foods out, and I was just putting out the eggs, sausage, and coffee, when a woman in her 60’s came stumbling in waiting for her husband to park their truck. I assume she smokes at least 3 packs a day, based on her raspy voice.

“Oh boy! -She shouts- You’re in for a real treat… We just got back… Well the people I am here with anyways…. Aw hell, who cares about them… Me and my husband just got back from the casino! And we’re drunker than shit! Hey! Do you already have food out? Hey Scott! He already made breakfast! We are so fucking hungry right now, can we have a little bit of that?”

“Can you please stop yelling? There are still people sleeping.” I said.

The woman put her finger to her lips and slurred a shh sound. She then grabbed a plate and started filling it with omelets. Her husband walked over and started making himself a plate. I was only making the food available that early because the hotel nearly sold out, and I wanted to make sure anyone who might wake up early can eat before hitting the road, but those people had every right to eat what I made available. I only had a few items out, and they were searching for the full spread.

“Where the shit is the rest of your food at?” Said the husband.
“The least you can do is have cinnamon buns ready for us.” His wife demanded.
“I won’t have those ready until 6:00.” I said.

The two of them were almost out of my way, but I brought out the pork gravy before they were out of view.

“Hey sweetie! He’s bringing out the biscuits and gravy!” She shouts.

The two of them promptly returned to the buffet, but I had no intention of having biscuits sitting out to dry out before the majority of the guests arrive.

“Sorry, those aren’t ready yet. I just have the gravy heated up at the moment.” I said.
“It’s okay, man. We will use the English muffins!” She shouts.

The two of them grabbed three English muffins each, and poured about three spoonfuls of gravy all over their plates, and the lid to the eggs. They walked away. I had to clean their mess. Breakfast didn’t even officially start yet, and I had to clean a mess of spilled gravy that was all over the egg tray.mms_picture(1)

I could hear those two people going all the way to their room on the second floor. The desk phone rang. The woman in that room wanted to know why there were two drunk people pounding on her door, while attempting to gain access. Those assholes were trying to get in the wrong room. I had to go upstairs and tell them to leave the poor woman alone.

“She locked us out of our room!” Said the husband.
“That is not your room. – I said, scolding him- Your room is the other end of the hall, it says so on your key.”

They both looked at the key-card with dumbfounded expressions.

“Ooh…” They both said.
I walked them to their room and opened the door myself. I stood in the doorway and waited for them to get inside the room.
“Please stop shouting, and enjoy your meals.” I said as I shut the door.

I had to assure the poor lady that those people were not actually trying to break into her room, and that they were just drunk and stupid. Then I offered to take $30.00 off her bill. She was happy with that. At 5:45 a man showed up to my desk. He looked confused.

“How can I help you?” I asked
“Where is that lady?”
“What lady?”
“The lady who’s usually here.”
“Do you mean the breakfast lady? She has today off.”
“No, man. The lady right here.” He pointed at the floor.
“The only lady who is here at this time of the day is the breakfast lady.”

The man looked at me like I was being an asshole, and this time I wasn’t.

“What job does this lady do?” I asked.
“The one you’re doing. She was here at this time the last three days.”
“I am the full time night auditor. We don’t have a female auditor here. There is never a woman at this desk at this hour. I am sorry, but you must be mistaken. What do you need?”
“She did my laundry for me yesterday, and I want it done again.”
“We have a laundry room for guests down the hall.”
The man made an angry face, and scratched his head. Somehow, I am the asshole again?
“I’m not paying for my laundry to get done. You do it.”
“No, we don’t do the guest laundry here. I can make change for you so you can use the guest laundry room if you want, but I cannot be responsible for your laundry while also running the desk, and keeping breakfast made.”

He walked away, but yelled that he would be complaining about this as he went to the elevator. I hope the elevator cable breaks and you fall with it.

After that is was nonstop people wanting me to check them out, and change billing information, and then the eggs ran out, and I had to walk away from the guests at the desk for a moment to replace food, then I had to listen to guests yell at me for walking away from them. My Co-worker showed up, and I hugged her.
“Your morning is about to suck. Have fun with it. I made you some bacon, it’s on the counter behind the desk.”

She giggled with joy until the next group of people showed up to demand our full attention. I walked away. Welcome to work, new girl.

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