Butt Stuff


My desk phone has an alarm that rings if anyone in the hotel calls 911 from their room. That alarm went off, and the screen read room 208. I called the room to ask if there was an issue. A woman answered. I could hear a guy nearby the phone. It was muffled, but I think I heard him, maybe crying “Ouch” or something that sounded like that.

“I’m so sorry to interrupt you. It was an accident. You don’t need to come up or anything. I have everything under control.” She said.

“Is there anything that you need me to do?” I asked.

“No, it’s under control. There is no real emergency, but thanks.” Then I heard the guy in the background again. “Oh god wow.” And then, “Ow ow ow.” Then I heard the phone hang up.Ten minutes later  two paramedics walked in the door. They asked where the elevator was and I pointed them towards its location. I asked if they were going to room 208, they confirmed that was the room they were told to go to. I sent them up without questions. A few minutes later the lady paramedic walked to the ambulance; she came back in with a stretcher.

“Is everything OK?” I asked her.

“Yeah, we will be out of here in a few minutes. One of your guests has a medical emergency. Nothing life threatening.” She said, then she took the stretcher up the elevator.A guy walked into the building asking if we had a room with two beds for his family to crash for the night. I had plenty of rooms available, so we started making his reservation while his wife got their three young kids out of the car, and sat them on the chairs near the desk.

“What’s going on? Is someone hurt?” He was asking about the ambulance outside.

“Yeah the paramedics don’t seem too worried about whatever the issue is. Nobody is dying on my watch.” I said. That was when the elevator door dinged. I could hear the people in the elevator before the doors opened.

“Go make sure nobody is watching me.” The male voice in distress said.

“I can’t just make the guy at the desk leave his job.” I heard her laughing a bit. “Besides, it’s late. I’m sure nobody else is nearby.”

“Don’t laugh, this is not cool.” He said.

“I’m sorry, but you have to admit this is kind of funny.” She said. They came around the corner and entered the lobby, heading back to the ambulance. What that family and I saw was a man face down on a stretcher with a white sheet covering his lower body. There was the large bulge under the sheet where it was covering his butt, and his hands were cuffed behind his back. The woman went from giggling at the guy, to a look of absolute shock as she saw the faces of this very tired family with three young kids looking just as shocked and confused as she did. I held back my laughter. The guy couldn’t see much from the way he was facing, but he knew there were people there.

“OH MY GOD! COVER MY FACE!” He shouted. His girlfriend took the top of the sheet and pulled it over his head. The bottom of the sheet did not stay put. That part of the sheet slid to the side enough to expose some butt cheek and a bit of the shiny metal, whatever it was, sticking out of his butt. “OH MY GOD! COVER ME UP! GET ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE!” The lady paramedic covered him better and wheeled him out of the building. His girlfriend stopped at the desk.

“Can we come back in the morning and get our stuff?” She asked.

“Sure, not a problem. Do I need to fill out an incident report?” I said.

“I hope not. I think he is embarrassed enough.” She burst out a big chuckle and covered her mouth. “I told him I wanted to try adding some excitement to the bedroom. Then I got something stuck. Then I lost the handcuff key. Now we get to ride in an ambulance with lights and sirens and crying.” She said with an embarrassed smile.

“Well, it looks like a job well done.” I said. She glanced at the family who was at that point huddled together for safety and prayer, and she covered her mouth again to try to hold back some more laughter. She left the building to join her boyfriend in the ambulance.

“Well, that was interesting.” I said to the father. “I have your room key all ready. Please just sign your name at the bottom of this paper and you can be off to bed.” None of them spoke. He signed the paper and I handed him his key-card, then they went to their room.

You can’t find this shit on Netflix.

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